Posted on 2006.04.20 at 23:54
Mood: 
indescribable
Music: Jenny Lewis with The Watson Twins- Melt Your Heart
NOTE: the ingredients of this poem where far from natural feeling...
*Pain Killers
*Steroids
*Exhaustion
*Pain in generalI guess I am just feeling low.
But I don't believe I have felt this low in a while.
Time is dragging so very slowly.
I'm tired of attacks and loneliness I cannot break.
I don't know how I even thought you'd hold onto me.
No one ever does, I'm nothing, lower.
Today's tears come with no warning, no hint of arrival.
Helpless, sunken, unmotivated in countless ways.
I want a lover, I want a Friend, I want someone to care, to feel and understand.
I need an escape, I ask for little.
A call, a first move, something to give me some hope, a smile.
This courage of mine is softly declining.
Silence comes in variables where sleep is harder to find.
I've become pathetic.
Clenching for a signal, refusing to let go of my only outlet.
I'm begging to be given a chance to answer, even when it kills me to speak.
I know you swear it's different,
but to me it's always the same.
I'm left in a struggle, foolish cries.
They walk on, with small regrets and meaningless memories.
I'll never find it, the word, the feeling I cannot say.
It's fake, nothing can be that true and if so,
It's just not meant to find me.
I'm sure of it.
This certainty has settled in long ago.
To this day, It's only been proven more right.
More lies, more pain.
Some days I feel even more lonely when your beside me.
( so leave me now, just go away. )
Posted on 2006.03.06 at 13:38
Mood: 
contemplative
Music: The Shins
It's strange how old words fit so well with new circumstances.
Reading through the letters, all things written in memory of you.
But everything fades a little, not a single feeling remains the same.
This boy I've known for so much of my life is leaving in days,
he's become such a man as I look into his dark eyes that hide behind his best of traits.
I can only hope to see him again, I can only imagine what changes will be made.
& the love of his life, I wonder if she'll stay and will they have children of their own one day?
Tomorrow I hug him one last time, at least for a time longer than I would have ever thought.
The final hour we say goodbye will only add to the wreckage in my mind.
This sadness slowly deepens, with illness & death around each corner, in every view.
suddenly those closest mean more than ever.
I'd be selfish to put this all upon myself.
let those who truely feel pain to be the ones to grieve.
But I can't help but want to take their worries and make all that they fear apart of me.
Just to understand exactly how they feel and think.
Posted on 2006.03.05 at 20:57
Mood: 
happy
Music: Death Cab For Cutie
Posted on 2006.03.03 at 12:44
Mood: 
anxious
Music: Sufjan Stevens
Sadness is everywhere today.
I listened as she cried.
I stumbled with words not difficult to say.
All I can do is think and wait for a response.
Worst thoughts are building up, & I can't control a thing.
He whimpered as I stood up in defense of her pain.
He underestimated me.
In the midst of what I see as a self war,
I slept with a promising comfort.
I know this is bad.
I know it wont work, but It's been so long, maybe we can try.
The awkwardness is somewhat reassuring.
& still I want to be elsewhere.
With her, with him, and them.
Where I never feel so alone.
Posted on 2006.02.28 at 20:10
Mood: 
creative
Music: Buffalo
Posted on 2006.01.15 at 20:05
From grace she fell beneath the ashes.
That forced her to her knees, cut her open wide.
To bleed her body dry of feeling.
The wounds will form no scars, only memories.
Tearing at the scars she's open wide.
Screaming till her lungs collapse.
Behind her cold and vacant eyes the innocence that dies inside.
The tears that line her face the anguish.
The lies she's fed herself closing loveless eyes.
To bleed her body dry the feeling of breath escaping lips closing lifeless eyes.
Tearing at the scars she's open wide.
Screaming till her lungs collapse.
Behind her cold and vacant eyes.
The innocence that dies inside.
She dies inside.
Tearing at the scars she's open wide.
Screaming till her lungs collapse.
Behind her cold and vacant, the innocence that dies inside.
-The Agony Scene: PREY
I am nothing. I feel worthless.
Like daddy always use to say..."no other man will love you more than me."
therefore no man will ever love me at all.
& now daddy says..."no man will ever want to be with or love you because your nothing more than a selfish bitch."
Maybe he is right. Am I that blind.
He makes me sick.
I know I will cry again tonight, but not tomorrow.
I know that I will be okay.
I am stronger now.
I deserve better than this and I am fully aware of it.
I can handle this.
It will be okay... I just keep saying that to myself.
with every deep breath...I'll be just fine.
Posted on 2005.12.28 at 00:53
Mood: 
ecstatic
Music: Cat Power
If there’s one thing I hate more than anything…
It’s coming home to this quite, empty place for the 5th night in a row.
I can’t even remember the last night I didn’t cry myself to sleep.
The deep, calm cry that just comes without hesitation.
Lately I have to admit I am just a genuinely sad person.
But you wouldn’t know it…because I am so damn good at hiding it.
Then again that’s all I have done for the past 2 years.
I hide behind secrets, lies, disappointments.
I don’t even know how to be myself anymore.
Hiding is all I know, deceiving all others of who I really am.
And that’s fine, I’d prefer people not know the less appealing me.
I can only hold this in for so long.
Time is wearing thin and I’m losing strength.
Things are catching up, confusions are becoming more clear.
The man I thought I could trust has ripped all hope out of my body.
That girl I once found so incredible is now an indescribable disappointment…
& this music makes it hurt much, much more.
This boy has become a ghost that haunts my every thought.
I dread even falling asleep, knowing a dream will leave me waking up in tears.
My best friend is abusing my “kindness.”
He seems to enjoy bragging about his amazing relationship with a whore as I sit there clenching my fist and struggling to hold in harsh words.
I love the kid to death but god forbid he have mercy on my aching heart.
I have become to good at the art of false emotions.
I wish I had someone to see through me, to know me that well, to understand why I do what I do, and why I have done the thing’s I have done.
He’s with her. She’s with him… and even if they aren’t together, they’re thinking about each other.
I want that…but I honestly don’t.
I want to wait, I want to give it time.
I need to be alone, I need to see I can be okay on my own.
But it’s not getting any easier and these weeks are so tough to sit out in loneliness.
I have to do all I can to distract myself from times like these…
When I sit at home depressed thinking about anywhere else I could be, because anywhere would be better than here.
Don’t think I don’t know who you are, this mirror reflects only your bare skin.
At this moment I am happier than ever…really?!
Posted on 2005.12.09 at 23:59
Mood: 
yea.
Music: The Beatles
It's not so bad when the televisions on.
I don’t watch it… it just helps to hear noise in the background.
As much they irritate me, I wish they were here.
Really anyone would do… someone to talk to.
Someone to provide a distraction to get my mind thinking of something different.
It’s nights like these I am convinced I’ll think myself insane.
I don’t even know what I am doing here.
I want to go home.
I’d sleep but I can’t… I hardly ever can.
And when I don’t sleep I sift through every letter, every picture, and I stare at my phone contemplating whether or not it would be okay to just hear your voice.
I know it would hurt to much… would you even answer?
And where would you be, what would you be doing?
I hope, from the bottom of my heart, that your somewhere safe, somewhere happy.
I want to go back. I want to be there now.
I want to see tearless faces washed away from every pain they ever felt.
I want to hear them laugh and see you smile.
Nothing will ever be that way again, and neither of us can go back.
I only wish now I could have said goodbye.
I love you so much… more than you’ll ever get a chance to know.
& It kills me to know I hate you so much more.
Posted on 2005.11.29 at 15:47
Thou shalt not make, or take part in, bad art.
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